It's never your fault.
How to start highway road rage.
If you drive the highways looking to get cut off, dragged out of your car and beaten with a tire iron. Or if you want to get ran off the road. Or the ultimate, if you seek to get rammed and shot at while driving down the highways just like in those action films you grew up on, then this guide is for you.
I’m well known as a pretty open person, so friends are always comfortable in confronting me with all sorts of odd questions. I’ve fielded questions from how to drive a woman wild, last longer in the sack, as well as simple things like proper care for a pulled muscle. I also lend myself to be a pretty experienced driver, with some decent skill behind the wheel. So naturally some buddies recently came to me with a question that’s been burning on their minds. They’re like “Oh mighty fountain of useless knowledge, I’ve heard of road rage on the news, but I don’t know how to get people pissed enough to beat me like a bitch on the side of the road with a crowbar” It prompted some deep thought and contemplation, so here’s the guide to getting victimized by road rage.
Seemingly the American people are obsessed with victimization. From the Famous lawsuit over spilled coffee, to the recent frivolous lawsuit by some chick who was walking on train tracks and got her hand slightly bruised by a passing train. Who’d have ever guess 600 ton trains travel on train tracks. Whatever the case, you’re simply a nobody in the US without being a victim of some heinous crime. If you’re a looser with no friends, the sure way to be king of the crowd is to come into work/school the next week on crutches with foot marks still fresh on your face and crowbar dents still on your skull. Cast signing is the biggest way to show just how cool you are and how many friends you have.
So I have to say, that being a victim of road rage is quite possibly the simplest thing to do. So here are the various causes with an in-depth explanation of each one.
Left lane hog
Nothing says “beat me like a bitch” more than driving the speed limit or slightly slower in the leftmost lane. Let’s face the honest truth, nobody except really old people, who really shouldn’t have their license anymore, drive the speed limits on the open highway. Most cars built after 1990 can pretty much handle speeds in excess of 90MPH with little issue. Well foreign built cars at least. Even the $12k economy cars can do 80 as if it’s cruising speed. Going the speed limit in the rightmost lane (there are other lanes on the highway) will prove this theory. People will wiz past you like your standing still. Unless you’re a state trooper, then traffic will pile up behind you as you cruise at 70. The laws are 30 years out of date and make too much revenue to ever change. Common law is simply an illusion of the old country and constitution.
So the hard rule here is there is only one lane, and that’s the left lane. The middle and right lanes are for trucks. Remember you are the only one on the road, so drive as slow as you’d like. Put in a CD and sing along to Mr. Rogers greatest hits. Those flashing high beams and horns behind you? Ignore them, it’s simply for effect as the 30 people behind you are also dancing and singing to Kermit the Frog and other songs of leisure.
When a person actually tries to pass you on the right, which is ILLEGAL, accelerate. Help your fellow citizens stay on the straight and narrow. Whatever you do don’t let them pass you. They’re breaking the law and that’s bad. Also take it as a personal insult. You’re not going fast enough and they’re mocking you. They hate you and are jealous of your laid back slow driving ways. They hate that you have nowhere to go, and they’re 10 minutes late already. Whatever you do don’t relinquish the left lane. Match the speed of the slower car to the right. If you pass him and leave a gap, accelerate to the next car to your right.
Also of note, if you are in the middle lane, wait till you see someone barreling down the left lane minding their own business. Just before they reach you, jump to the left lane in front of them like it’s the last chance you’ll ever get to be in the lane. Even if there’s no one behind them and they’ll be there and gone in 4 seconds. When you do get in front of them, don’t accelerate to their speed. Go at your own pace, and slowly pass the vehicle you were planning on passing over the next 5 miles. Remember nobody has the right to pass you. You’re an American and they’re probably just some illegal immigrant or green card person stealing your over paid job for less money.
Turn Signals
Don’t ever use these. They’re there to warn another driver of your intentions to get in that lane. If you see another driver signal, accelerate to block them from obtaining that goal and being in front of you. Remember to let the enemy know your intentions is to loose the war. In fact break the bulbs to all your turn signals to avoid temptation of using them. Auto manufacturers claim turn signals are for driver safety. We know they’re only on cars to raise the price several thousand dollars.
Mirrors
Amateurs and old ladies use mirrors. Avoid the temptation and rip off your rear view mirrors. Though you may want to keep one to put on your makeup or check out/stare at the cute/handsome person in the car behind you. When you go to change lanes, just do it. If you collide it’s the other drivers fault for not seeing you and knowing your desire to be in front. Contrary to popular belief and claims, humans are in fact mind readers and know exactly what your intentions are at all times. So change lanes with wild abandon.
Taking turns
This is a big one. On side roads, make sure to use your turn signal (if not removed as they should have been) at least 4 turns ahead of your intention. At each point where you will possibly turn, slow down a bit, then accelerate past it. When you get to your desired location to actually turn come to a complete stop in the middle of the road. If you are taking a right turn, do it from the left side of the road and do it in a big slow sweeping arc. The slower you do this the better. Remember though, especially on a right turn, come to a complete stop first. Sip your mocha and start the turn process.
When taking a left turn, make sure you are as close to the right side as possible. You don’t want at all possible any form of room for people to be able to pass you on the right side and carry on with their life. Your goal is to make them wait, because you have to wait too. Rush hour is great for this strategy. You not only block hoards of people, causing traffic snarls, but you have a lot of tired hungry people wanting nothing more than to get home or to the office.
Expensive Car
Get a BMW or Mercedes. A Lexus will do, but nothing commands more respect on the road than a BMW or Jaguar. The more expensive your car is the more authority you have. It goes without saying they you got the Swiss super model trophy wife in the passenger seat, that you are indeed king of the road. Let no one disrespect your righteous importance. You spent a hundred grand on your car you own the road.
Don’t allow others to merge
This can be anywhere on the roads. On a busy intersection, on ramps, stop lights, construction and road narrows. Allowing others to merge is far too polite. They’re also infringing on your space, and trying to get in front of you. Remember the American way is to step on everyone in front of you to get ahead. Keep others progress to a minimum and you’ll get further in life. More on this in a future guide “moving up in the corporate workplace”.
Merging traffic is bad, they’re your enemy. Cut them off whenever possible. Leave no more than 3 inches between you and the guy in front of you. If someone is trying to get on the highway and you are in the right lane, stay there. Even if there is ample room to move to the next lane, don’t. Assert your dominance and don’t let them get on the highway, remember the law says they have to merge, make them obey. Aside from that, if they manage to get in front of you, that’s one more person in YOUR way. Never ever let this happen. I can’t stress enough that consideration is weakness. You just sat in an hour of traffic to finally get to the merger, you can save 30 seconds to a minute by cutting everyone else off. Who cares of the traffic buildup this causes down the line. You are no longer in the traffic jam so it’s not your concern. You suffered, they must also suffer.
At a 4 way stop sign, just go. Everyone else has to stop, and besides, you have burgers to flip and people to feed, you’re far more important than the rest of the world. Make everyone know this. If you don’t assert your authority, you’ll never make it in the world.
Don’t pay attention
This is a quick and easy one. Switch lanes with wild abandon. Drive at inconsistent speeds. For the ultimate always take your exit from the leftmost lane. That’s right, wait till you are an eighth mile from your exit and cut through however many lanes of traffic there are to get there. Stop in the middle of the highway if you need to. Do this all the time wherever you drive. If you collide, it’s their fault for not paying attention to you.
Accelerate
On open clear roads you may have a moment of weakness and are driving in one of the right lanes. You may be driving 70 or even 80 that day too. Shame on you. Perhaps it’s 3 am and you are heading home from a wild night of getting rejected at bars. Whatever the case, you are on the road. Perfect chance to some late night road rage.
You look into your rear view mirror (which is bad, mirrors are for the weak) and see the distinctive headlights of a car approaching from behind. They pass you on the left cause you’re in the right lane, or maybe you’re not, but who cares they passed you. Accelerate. Press that pedal down to the floor. Make it eat carpet to the likes even God hasn’t seen. Catch up to them and pass them. So what if you’re going 120 now. They passed you and that’s a personal insult to your driving prowess. When you do manage to pass them, slow down so they’re no more than 10 feet behind you. Stay in your lane until another car is in front. Then switch to their lane like a gun is to your head. If you tap them don’t worry, it’s their fault for passing you and that dust cloud of them spinning out is their just punishment for insulting you.
Mystic Bunny
Sometimes simply driving slow in the left lane is not enough. It only gets the person angry, but not mad enough to beat you like your daddy used to when you were younger. You know they’re about ready when they turn on the left flasher. This generally is a “polite” way to say please move. Take none of that. You’re in front and have power over the 30 cars piled up behind you trying desperately to get around. When the high beams and horn sounds, this is your moment.You must maintain focus in this delicate moment. You must find a state of Zen and go there. The high beams, horns and car swerving in the lanes behind you is the guy simply getting into the groove if their dance CD they’re playing. Slam on your breaks with both feet. This wakes the person behind you up and snaps them back to reality bringing their focus back to the road. If they hit you drive for 2 miles then pull over.
Now you don’t want to inform this person you were bringing them back to reality. They wont understand. Instead a bunny ran in front of your car. When asked about not immediately pulling over simply state you didn’t think there was any damage, even though their car may be billowing smoke with a crumpled hood. For all you knew they popped a gasket and was burning oil. Remember you are always right because you were following the speed limit guidelines set by your honest government. Follow all rules blindly and you will go to heaven. Remember they hit you and no matter what it was their fault. You can jam on your breaks whenever you please.
The best thing to do is complain about the dent in your vehicle. Make it known your neck hurts, even if it is from sleeping wrong the night before. Make them think they did it. Talk about your lawyer a lot, like how you bought him a drink or something. Always smile and don’t be serious. Dodge all their questions and take your time getting your registration. You really don’t need to show them because it is their fault. Remember you are never accountable for your actions. Blame everyone else but yourself. This will surely push them over the edge and you will get your way with them in a good ol’ sidewalk rumble.
Get an SUV or Hummer
Bigger is better, Laws no longer apply with Newton on your side. As long as your mass is greater than their mass, you can do, pretty much whatever you want on the road. If they hit you, or you hit them, it’ll be some trivial scratch compared with their totaled car.In the event of a collision make sure you gloat about their wreck of a car. Find the scratch or small dent on your vehicle and complain about it. Don’t show any remorse for their buckled hood, and cracked engine block. Make sure you inspect your vehicle completely and point out all scratched paint. You were in a bigger vehicle, so they should have been able to see you run the red light or stop sign and act accordingly. It’s always their fault, never take accountability for any of your actions.
Before you leave your vehicle, take off your glasses and pocket protector. This will pretty much be the road rage beat down you’ve been craving. Also try to pump your muscles a little to look more intimidating than your feeble frame can hold. This will make you look scary. Get in a fighting or apprehensive stance and let them get angry. Prod them and go for the gold. You’ll be eating asphalt and tire iron in no time.
On another side note, there really is no Sport in an SUV. It’s just a sucker campaign to get people to buy Utility Vehicles, which makes the dealer more profits. But who cares? They’re huge, obstruct vision, suck gas and are simply ugly boxes with wheels. They are what the American way is all about.
It’s never your fault.
This just cannot be stressed enough, when the person follows you home or to the Mall, or the police station cause they freaked you out, it’s not your fault. It’s always them. They’re the angry ones, they need mental help. It doesn't matter you drove 50 in the passing lane while on the cell phone and sipping your $6 mocha. It doesn’t matter you cut 3 lanes of traffic to get to the exit causing them to maneuver hard and spill hot coffee all over themselves. They shouldn’t drink hot coffee in the car anyways.